


Two Plus Two Equals ...

by missthingsplace



Category: Torchwood
Genre: Crack, Humor, M/M, One Shot, Ratings: PG
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-07
Updated: 2014-02-07
Packaged: 2018-01-11 13:21:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,666
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1173539
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/missthingsplace/pseuds/missthingsplace
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p> When Jack begins having strange, but familiar symptoms Ianto puts two and two together, but does he have the right answer?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Two Plus Two Equals ...

**Title:** Two Plus Two Equals ...  
**Author** **:** [ ](http://missthingsplace.livejournal.com/profile) [**missthingsplace**](http://missthingsplace.livejournal.com/)   
**Parings/characters:** Jack, Ianto, Toshiko, Owen, Gwen  
 **Disclaimer:** I don't own Torchwood or Doctor Who or any of the characters ... unfortunately, just borrowing them for a while.   
**Summary:**  When Jack begins having strange, but familiar symptoms Ianto puts two and two together, but does he have the right answer?  
 **Warnings:** Crack - complete fluffiness!  
 **Spoilers:** Anything is fair game for both programmes  
 **Rating:** PG  
 **Word Count:** 1699

Symptom One

“Gotta pee,” Jack grumbled, getting up from the conference table for the second time in just over and hour and running off, down to the main hub.

Ianto watched him with a frown, in the last few days Jack had seemed to be going off to the bathroom to relieve himself constantly and it was beginning to worry him, if it continued he'd have to suggest to Jack that he should seek medical advice from Owen.

Symptom Two

Carrying the two mugs of coffee and a selection of biscuits into Jack's office he looked on in horror as Jack grabbed the waste paper bin and vomited loudly into it, twice before looking up at the younger man with a groan, his face as white as a sheet.

“Jack, you're sick,” Ianto said, stating the obvious and planting the tray down on top of the Captains desk. “you've not been right for a while now, please get Owen to check you out.”

“I'm fine Ianto, I must have just eaten something that didn't agree with me,” Jack replied, brushing off his concern. “I just need a cup of your coffee.”

Ianto didn't say a word, watched Jack lift his mug from the tray and take a long sip before reaching for his own and leaving the office again to return to the archives and brood on the other man's symptoms.

Symptom Three

“Coffee everyone?” Ianto asked, emerging from the archives looking dusty and dishevelled.

“Please,” Toshiko and Gwen called back politely.

“'Bout time,” Owen remarked.

“Actually, could I have tea?” Jack asked, causing the rest of the team to all turn and look at him, their mouths a little agape in shock.

“Tea?” Ianto asked, feeling a tad insulted.

“I just have this craving for tea,” Jack shrugged. “I'm sure it's just a passing phase.”

“Fine, tea it is then,” Ianto almost huffed in reply and made his way to the kitchenette.

Symptom Four

“That's better,” Jack sighed, removing his boots and rubbing at his ankles. “my boots have been feeling strangely tight lately.”

“Fat ankles,” Ianto chuckled. “all that pizza is trying to go straight to your feet.”

“Maybe,” Jack frowned, rubbing his ankle with his hand. “they do feel a little puffy.”

“Jack … I've been thinking … if I didn't know better,” Ianto said hesitantly. “I'd like you were pregnant, my sister had the same symptoms when she was carrying her kids.”

Jack's eyes went wide, his mouth opening and closing much like a goldfish at his lovers suggestion.

“I mean, I heard you when you told the others that you'd been pregnant before,” Ianto continued, trying not to show his own panic at the idea. “are you?”

“I don't know … honestly, I don't know,” Jack stuttered. “I didn't think I could … not any more.”

“You need to see Owen, get him to do a scan,” Ianto told him adamantly.

Jack nodded, got up from his chair and pulled on his coat before calmly descending the stairs and leaving the hub via the cog door while Ianto watched through the glass wall of the office, wondering if he should go after him.

The Next Day

“So, even you have no idea where Jack is then Tea-Boy?” Owen snarked at him.

“I told you, no,” Ianto snorted in reply.

“He's probably up on a roof somewhere brooding about something,” Gwen put in.

“Ianto, did something happen yesterday that upset him?” Toshiko asked gently, glaring at the other two.

“That's not for me to say,” Ianto told them, turning on his heel and walking away, barely halfway across the main floor when the cog door opened and Jack walked in as large as life.

“Owen, I need to speak to you, privately,” Jack instructed, heading straight for the medical bay.

“Jack? What's wrong?” Gwen demanded.

“It's private,” Jack told her bluntly, heading down the steps with Owen close behind.

An Hour Later. 

“Ianto, could you come down?” Owen called up, knowing the young man was sat on the floor above them.

Ianto got hurriedly to his feet and almost ran down the stairs to find Jack sat on the edge of the examination table, a look of relief clearly etched on his face.

“I'm not pregnant,” Jack told him with a grin, jumping down off the table to pull Ianto into his arms and kiss him softly.

“And I'm out of here,” Owen muttered, leaving to two men alone.

“Then why the symptoms?” Ianto asked when Jack finally freed his lips.

“Ah, well, there's the thing,” Jack chuckled. “he couldn't find anything wrong and is of the opinion that it's a phantom pregnancy, that someone else in this hub is pregnant and my body is reacting somehow to the hormones.”

“So … Tosh or Gwen is pregnant?” Ianto gasped.

“It's looking that way,” Jack said, wrapping his arms tightly around the other man's waist and then lifting him off his feet to spin him around.

“Bloody hell Jack, I'm not a girl, put me down!” Ianto exclaimed.

“I'm sorry, I'm a just more than a little relieved,” Jack replied, setting him back down on his feet and then kissing him passionately.

“How do we broach the subject, we can't just ask them outright of they're pregnant?” Ianto asked, panting softly when they broke for air. 

“They'll have to come clean soon,” Jack replied. “then I can take great delight in telling whichever one it is just what they are doing to me!”

“You mean the symptoms won't stop now?” Ianto frowned.

“Owen said they could continue for a long as the pregnancy,” Jack shrugged.

“What about … my sister, well … I remember her husband moaning that she went off sex when she was pregnant,” Ianto said quietly. “way too much information on his part, but?”

“Can't say for sure, but perhaps we should make the most of now, just in case?” Jack grinned.

“My place?” Ianto suggested.

Jack grabbed his hand and practically dragged him up the stairs from the medical bay and out the cog door while the other watched amused.

“What was all that about?” Toshiko asked Owen.

“Doctor – Patient confidentiality,” Owen smirked, pointedly gazing at one and then the other woman's stomachs but finding no tell-tale swelling. “but if there is anything either of you wish to inform me about, you know where to find me.”

With that he left the two bemused women and went back down to the medical bay.

One Month Later.

“I don't understand it, surely one of them would be showing by now?” Jack asked Owen. “Neither of them have confided in you?”

“Nope!” Owen stated, watching Jack rub the base of his back.

“This is ridiculous!” Jack exclaimed. “If I'm going to have to put up with this I at least need someone to blame it on!”

“Jack,” Ianto voice yelled down from high above them. “you might want to come up and see this.”

Jack and Owen looked at each other.

“No!” The both exclaimed in unison.

“Shit!” Jack added and bounded up the stairs to the main bay before scrambling up the ladder to Myfanwy's nest and looked on in amazement at the creature and the four large eggs beside her.

“How … but … what the hell?” Jack stuttered.

“I've no idea, but at least now we know why you had the back pains today,” Ianto chuckled. “and I know why she's been demanding more food these past couple of months.”

“But she's the only one of her species,” Jack said, shaking his head from side to side.

“As far as we know,” Ianto replied. “either there's a male out there somewhere or we have an evolutionary miracle on our hands.”

“I guess so,” Jack said, this time nodding his head. “we should do some research, find out how long until they hatch.”

“I will,” Ianto assured him. “we should leave her alone.”

“Yeah,” Jack agreed and they both descended the ladder to tell the others of their find.

Two Months Later

“They are so cute,” Toshiko exclaimed as the baby prehistoric creatures flew around the main hub.

“They're a pain in the arse!” Owen grumbled as one swooped down and tried to pluck his sandwich from his hand.

“They know you don't like them,” Gwen chuckled as he batted it away with his hand as if it was a seagull.

“They can't all stay here, when the baby's are fully grown there won't be any room,” Owen retorted.

“We know,” Jack said, appearing at the door to his office and waking down, Ianto close behind him. “but we'll cross that road when we come to it, first we need to agree on names for them.”

“George, Michael, Sarah and Jane,” Gwen suggested.

“Matthew, Mark, Luke and John,” Toshiko put in.

“Kylie, Madonna, Rihanna and Louise,” Owen argued.

“How about calling one of them Fluffy?” Gwen joked.

“Like the evil dog in Harry Potter?” Toshiko said excitedly.

“That's daft!” Owen snorted.

“This may take a while,” Jack whispered into Ianto's ear. “how about we sneak away while they argue it out?”

“Good idea,” Ianto agreed, letting Jack take his hand as they walked up to the Captain's office. “although, I wouldn't mind calling one of them fluffy either.”

“You're kidding, right?” Jack asked, closing the door.

“I might be, if you can persuade me that I am,” Ianto grinned and yanked his lover close so their bodies touched. “can you do that?”

“Anything it takes,” Jack leered, then plundered the younger man's mouth with his tongue while his hands groped his his arse. 

The End.  



End file.
